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Spicy George: Frooooooo-m somewhere across the World Wide Web--it’s Snark Weighs In, with your host--Snark! I’m your announcer, Spicy George, and without Snark, I would be nothing! In fact--I’m not that much right now! And now, here is your host--the man who let the dogs out--Snark!(CHEERS AND THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE)
Snark: Thank you! Thank you! You’re too kind! No,no, thank you! Please, please settle down! Well, since you won’t be quiet, give up some of that applause for my announcer Spicy G!
(APPLAUSE IMMEDIATELY STOPS)
Snark: Yeah, that always works. Hello, hello. Welcome to Snark Weighs In. Well, let’s see what’s in the soap news today. Hey, anybody out there in the audience watching Guiding Light these days?
(AUDIENCE REMAINS SILENT)
Snark: Yeah, well, you’re in good company!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Snark: For the past two weeks, Guiding Light has achieved its’ worse ratings ever. Talking all-time lows, folks. Even worse, Guiding Light’s demos are so low, Passions is beating them.
(AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS)
Snark: That wasn’t the joke, sir. I know, I mean---Spicy G, ask me how bad GL’s demos are.
Spicy G: Snark, how bad are GL’s demos?
Snark: GL’s demos are SO bad, CBS is begging Bob Barker to do a guest appearance, because The Price is Right attracts younger viewers!
(AUDIENCE HOWLS)
Snark: GL’s demos are SO BAD, CBS is considering replacing GL with a soap based on “On Golden Pond”!
(AUDIENCE HYPERVENTILATES)
Snark: GL’s demos are SO BAAAD--that CBS and P&G are actually considering leaving the writers alone, and letting them write whatever the hell they want to!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
Spicy G: Okay, I don‘t buy that last one, man.
Snark: I know, I totally made the last one up. Things aren’t that desperate at GL yet. Speaking of desperate situations, have you heard about the nuttiness over at Port Charles? Yeah--it seems ABC has hired James Harmon Brown and Barbara Esensten as PC’s new headwriters!
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
Snark: I know! I can’t believe it. I mean they were at Loving--canceled. They were at The City--didn’t even last 18 months. And now Port Charles? What does ABC stand for? Ass Backwards Channel?
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Snark: I mean, ABC hires Boozy and Babsy again? Hell, give me and Spicy G a steady supply of vodka, and we’ll write PC for nothing!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Snark: Isn’t that right, Spicy G?
(SPICY G HICCUPS)
Snark: See, he’s ready to turn out his first script right now. And already, the rumors are starting at PC several characters will be killed off at the hands of another mysterious serial killer. Yeah. Well, I’ve already solved this case. The victims: The wholecast. The culprits: Esensten and Brown? The cause: Cancellation!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS HEARTILY)
Spicy G: Oh man, that was hilarious! You the man, Snarkie!
Snark: I know.
Spicy G: Oh...you complete me.
Snark: What?
Spicy G: Nothing, nothing.
Snark: Just ease up paly-boy. Just cause AMC opened the closet door, doesn’t mean you need to. Speaking of which, you all watched AMC this week, right?
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Snark: Yeah. What about that scene with Bianca and Leo, huh? How realistic is their friendship? I mean,even AMC knows that the only way a guy and a girl can be that good of friends, is for one of them to be gay!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Snark: Know what I wanna know though? Spicy G, so you’re not completely useless, ask me what I wanna know.
Spicy G: Yo, Snark, what you wanna know?
Snark: When word gets around Pine Valley that Bianca’s a lesbian, will any male characters run around saying, “Yo! I can make a woman out of you, Bianca!”
(AUDIENCE HIS SEIZURE-ISH FITS OF LAUGHTER)
Snark: “You just ain’t been with the right one yet!” Oh, speaking of sex and AMC, anyone following this Libidozone story? You see Dr. David Jekyll runnin around there trying to nail all the women’s hides? I tell you, David’s got a bigger woody then Al Gore on the cover of Rolling Stone! And I tell you, if you think this Libidozone is bad now, wait till next week when Joe and Palmer get hold of it!
(AUDIENCE DAMN NEAR PASSES OUT WITH LAUGHTER)
Snark: Well, what else is going on? Hey, gotta mention this. On Wednesday, Days of Our Lives celebrates it’s 35’th anniversary with a special episode showing clips of previous shows.
(MIXED REACTION FROM AUDIENCE; SOME CHEER, OTHERS BOO)
Snark: Hey, you ain’t got to boo now. Days used to be good. Used to be. In fact, did you hear about this? Yeah. It seems the people putting together the special episode got confused into thinking it was Days 30’th anniversary, because Ken Corday wouldn’t give them any episodes past 1995!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Spicy G: What, no sub-sex? No best of Princess Gina?
Snark: Nope! (LAUGHS) Don’t try to upstage me.
Spicy G: Sorry.
Snark: You sure are. Just don’t get too loose over there. Mimi Torchin needs work, you know. Hey, that reminds me. I was driving into work today, and you know how it is--you’re driving along, stop at a light,and some homeless guy with cleaning fluid and a sponge comes up and wipes your windshield? That exact thing happens to me today, except, instead of some homeless guy? Mimi Torchin.
(AUDIENCE GROANS AND BOOS)
Snark: Hey, don’t boo at Mimi. She’s in dire straits. I tell you, I felt so bad for her, I didn’teven run her over, like I do the other Squeegie guys!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Snark: Oh, what else is left? Hey, Spicy G, don’t you have some viewer mail?
Spicy G: Yes! This week’s letter is from Mary 5252.
Snark: Mary 5252? That’s an interesting name. Not to be confused with 5251 or 5253. What’s she say?
Spicy G: Mary 5252 writes: “I'm sorry to see Patti D.go, but at least she didn't meet the tragic endings that Nadine and Jenna did. I'm looking forward to Sandra Santiago's brief return.”
Snark: Well, that makes one of us. What else does she say?
Spicy 5252: She continues, “I spent the weekend in the ER passing a kidney stone. It was more fun than OLTL.”
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
Snark: Oooooohhhhhhh. That was an ooch! I’m telling you, it’s interesting that she compares passing a stone to OLTL. I mean, half the cast looks they’re passing stones!
(AUDIENCE GUFFAWS)
Snark: Especially Mark Derwin. Hey, have you heard that Mark Derwin is holding out for more money before he’ll re-sign?
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
Snark: It’s true, it’s true.
Spicy G: Really? What an ass!
Snark: That’s what Jill Farren Phelps said about him!
(AUDIENCE GIVES SNARK A STANDING OVATION)
Snark: Well, enough of my blather. Who’ve we got on the show tonight, Spicy?
Spicy G: No one. No one will come on this show.
Snark: Wussies. Well, I guess we’ll call it a night then. Remember, if you want to get in touch with the hottest soap column on the World Wide Web, e-mail me direct at snarkieposter@yahoo.com. It’s your ticket to danger! And don’t forget to rock the vote tomorrow!
Spicy G: Yeah! Browne/Libertarians 2000!
Snark: You’re for Browne?
Spicy G: Yeah!
Snark: You know all third party voters vote on Wednesday, right?
Spicy G: No, I didn’t. Thanks, man!
Snark: You’re welcome!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Snark: SHHH! Don’t tell him! Good night, soap fans! We love you!