It’s a long, disjointed column this week. So, settle back, and get a good grip on your nerves…for today’s column is sure to thrill you a little and chill you a little.

THE LIGHT GROWS DARKER…

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I feel like I’m doing a repeat column. Was it not a few months ago that I wrote telling you that GL’s old writing team was out, and a new was in? And have I not been chronicling the progress of GL repeatedly since then?

Claire Labine, multi-Emmy winning Scribe, and Co-creator of the widely acclaimed Ryan’s Hope, is stepping down from her post as Head Writer of GL after less than six months. Labine, whom many were hoping would rescue GL the way she did GH years earlier, instead leaves the Light at its darkest point yet. Worse, her “mutually agreed upon” exit occurs under a firestorm of controversy over who was in charge, who fired whom, and, most importantly, why didn’t things work?

Could Claire Labine’s slower, more character-driven style of writing have turned Guiding Light around? I doubt it. (And I’ll elaborate on that later.) But, the truth is, we’ll never know. What we got was a watered-down Labine, drowning in a sea of red tape and empty promises. Was Claire Labine in charge? Was it a mutual thing? Was Claire in charge of the writing, but Rauch in charge of whom she could write for? Who was pulling the strings here?

That I even have to ask these questions makes it sincerely doubtful that Claire Labine was ever in charge. And therein lies the problem with GL and soaps in general. Soaps should be all about the writer’s vision, period. Obviously, the shows are budgeted, so there has to be some constraint on how many actors can be hired or what-not. But, whenever possible, the writers should dictate what happens on a story. They should be helped, not hindered. They should not have to deal with constant budget cutting that yanks characters away from them in the middle of a story. (I don’t care what Patti D’ “Bigmouth”Arbanville says. You will never convince me that Claire Labine WASN’T writing for Selena.) Worst of all, writers should not have to put up with producers, executives, number crunchers, focus groups, and every other top-level management jerk who can’t write their way out of a paper bag, micromanaging the writing to death. Writers should be there to write the show, not be a figurehead. If you hire a writer, then trust them to write the damn show; if you don’t trust them, then you write it, and stop letting the Labines and Malones of the industry take heat for your crap. I wonder what would happen if the true writers of GL—Lucy “Clone story” Johnson, Mary Alice Dwyer-Dobbin, et all—were actually forced to appear in the credits as Head Writer.

What a bastardized genre soaps have become. Is there any other genre of fiction where a writer is constantly told what and who they can and can’t write for? Did The West Wing become a hit because NBC keeps telling Aaron Sorkin what to do? Would Sports Night really have been a better show if ABC had Sorkin put in more sex jokes and a laugh track? Does the editor tell a novelist to completely change the plot of his novel halfway through? To focus on two supporting characters, and let them take over the story? Does the editor change the ending of the book against the writer’s vehement protest? Or does he encourage the writer, and make helpful suggestions? So many times people will (wrongfully) compare soaps to other genres; yet in nearly every other genre of entertainment fiction, the writer rules. In the soap genre, the writer is as useful and important to a show as a painter is to a crack house. How does a writer function when her bosses come up with stories based on budgetary concerns, focus groups, personal cast preferences, and their own horrible ideas? Then, they take this messy concoction, hand it to the writer, and say, “Here, you make this work.”

Wailing against the establishment aside, would an unhindered Labine have saved Guiding Light? In a recent interview with SOW, Labine admitted that she doesn’t know much about GL’s history. Any writer who doesn’t know a reasonable amount of a soap’s history will be the kiss of death to a show, hindered or not. I don’t expect Labine to know every detail of GL’s 64 year history, but I do expect her to know about more than the past six months. Whether it was her intent or not, Labine’s Guiding Light looked like a show that had been on about six months. I feel a deeper sense of history watching Passions than I get from Labine’s Light. In many scenes, key Labine characteristics were there: Interesting characters, good actors, witty dialogue, and simple human interaction. But, it was obvious that something was missing. Labine and her team just didn’t seem to be getting whom they were writing about on the personal level that writers so often have with their characters.

Also, while witty dialogue is nice, it needs to serve a purpose. At Ryan’s Hope, those long, seemingly pointless scenes were actually there to reveal or reinforce character traits, or subtly propel a story forward. Beyond that, they were just plain entertaining! At GL, much of Labine’s stuff was long and pointless, advancing nothing but the ever so-slow hand of the clock. And they were far from entertaining.

GL was in such dire straits when Claire Labine came on, that it desperately needed a pot boiler to get it back up to speed. It needed a kick along the lines of Reva’s trial in 1997. There needed to be a plot that is easily promoted, and can be grasped by the audience in thirty-second promos. Even Labine’s much-maligned tenure at OLTL started with a bang, with Blair’s car accident, and Kevin and Cassie’s affair happening in the same episode. GL needed a hook to get viewers back, and give them something to watch while Labine built up the other stories. GL still needs a hook, desperately.

So, where do we stand? Claire Labine and her team will continue to write, while TPTB search for a new Head Writer. Labine’s stuff will air early into the New Year. And then…God only knows. The much esteedmed Ms. Labine has been turned into a lame duck. She’s merely warming the seat for whomever comes next. And the next person could easily be a LeMay or a Laiman. I doubt P&G would know the difference.
And the Light grows darker.

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BUT THE WORLD KEEPS SPINNING.

When it was announced in June that Guiding Light would be getting Claire Labine for a writer, and As the World Turns would be getting Hogan Scheffer, did anyone think that GL’ers would wind up with the short end of the stick? Labine was a known commodity, while Scheffer was a complete unknown. Indeed, there was some speculation that Hogan Scheffer was a pseudonym for the usual band of idiots that have been running soaps into the ground. But, yes, Virginia, there is a Hogan Scheffer. And he seems to be a Santa Claus bringing loads of goodies to faithful ATWT fans whose patience was near the breaking point. Recently, Hogan Sheffer gave an interview to the soap press, which was featured in Soap Opera Weekly. Quotes and comments follow:

“The first time I watched a soap was Jan. 20 of this year, so I've watched them for virtually nine months and I'm loving it.”

Yet, Scheffer seems to have a better handling of the genre than his last several predessors, many of whom have been in the business for years.

"No one -- in terms of content and characters -- has said "no" to me, and make that clear, because something on air that nobody likes, the powers that be at Procter & Gamble and (CBS daytime chief) Lucy Johnson are blamed.”

Wow. Why is no one saying no to Scheffer the novice? Is it because Scheffer was getting steady work in the world of Hollywood, and TPTB needed Scheffer a lot morethan he needed them?

"I've had this habit of wanting to push characters into sex really fast. If there was one lesson I had to learn -- aside from that you couldn't put up 15 sets a day -- it's that sex is the payoff to long, long, long relationships. I have wanted Lily and Simon to do it since April! I write it and they say. "No, not yet," I'm waiting for Mickey to finally call me one day and go, "They can f---."

Double wow. TPTB are stopping Scheffer from letting characters have pointless sex? And Scheffer actually seems to be learning it’s a bad thing?

"I love Jack and Carly. We'll play out the triangle one more time, then we'll put it to rest."

If you know Jack, Carly, and Julia, you know it needs to be put to rest. Frankly, it needs to be put to sleep.

"They (Holden and Rose) become very good friends, and she and Holden and her father get into an adventure involving Flashdance. Remember that damnable horse? We have to do it. I'm tired of seeing on the Internet: "Where's Flashdance? When will they explain Flashdance" I'll give 'em Flashdance."

While I’m not keen on Holden and Rose becoming good friends, there are a couple of points here. 1) Scheffer is actually willing to pick up on a missing plot thread regarding an animal. Will OLTL ever tell us what happened to Moose and Mudd? Secondly, Scheffer reveals he reads the Internet. And 2) apparently, Scheffer reads it, takes it under consideration, and actually gets inspired by it. He doesn’t damn the posters as mouse-pushing morons who don’t know what they’re talking about. Then again, Scheffer is a decent writer with a lot of leeway to write what he wants. So, Scheffer isn’t as likely to see himself cut to pieces on the Net.

“Passions is a really good show. I know what they're aiming for, and what they do is extraordinary."

I partially agree. I know what (and whom) Passions is aiming for, and they do it fairly well. I think it’s crud, so I guess they're not aiming for me. While Scheffer may like and admire Passions, his writing style shows that he appreciates ATWT for what it is. ATWT’s audience IS not Passions audience, but they deserve to be vauled and courted just as much. Scheffer does it. He’s one of the few.

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DAYS 35’TH ANNIVERSARY

On November 8, 1965, Days of Our Lives premiered. On Wednesday, the show celebrated it’s 35’th anniversary with a retrospective show, that only had half the number of commercials of a usual broadcast. It featured many clips of Days 35 years. Sounds good,right?

Wrong. On a scale of anniversary specials, it wasn’t quite as bad as OLTL’s 30’th anniversary, but not as good as AMC’s 30’th. Days special episode was a regular show which focused on the regular plots. In between, there were poorly thought out segues to musical montages featuring clips from years past. DAYS’ 35’th anniversary was good in the way that it’s always a kick to see old clips of any show you loved, no matter what the context. But, it could have been a hell of a lot better. I’m used to DAYS disappointing, but they’ve always done well with previous anniversaries. In fact, DAYS devoted an entire week to its silver anniversary.

More disappointing, the anniversary special spent most of it’s time on Bo and Hope clips from the 80’s. Not surprising, since Wednesday turned out to be a big day in Bo and Hope’s storyline. But, Days 35’th anniversary should have been about more than the same Bo and Hope clips that Days plays once a week anyway. In fact, why not put all of DAYS’ current stories on hold for a day? Considering how many DAYS fans feel, it might have been the best idea TPTB came up with in a long time.

UPDATE

Sometime ago, I wrote about the WGA board of Electors election. If you’ll recall, Hannah Shearer, a writer for Port Charles, was running for the Board. The votes were tallied a few weeks ago; Sheaer was not elected.

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SPEAKING OF ELECTIONS.. As I write this, ABC has just interrupted programming for the third time today. Yes, I know the USA is supposed to be on the brink of anarchy, with no new president-elect in sight. But, what has ABC continued to break in for? Bush’s spokesperson believes that Bush has won, and that Bush is moving forward. Uh, didn’t they say that yesterday? Next, Gore’s spokesperson says that the recount isn’t over, and Gore could be the winner. Uh, didn’t they say that yesterday? Then, Bush himself speaks, and declares—that he’s moving forward as though he’s the winner. Now, Gore is due to speak.

Writing about this is completely pointless, as I am thoroughly convinced the news media will never understand. But, I’ll do it anyway. On Tuesday night, all the news networks—ALL OF THEM—were thoroughly embarrassed when they reported that first, Mr. Gore, then Mr. Bush then no one had won Florida. Furthermore, their constant predictions that Bush would have an appreciable win over Gore, or that Bush would win the popular vote and Gore the electoral vote were wrong. Their analysis and predictions are worthless. Their projections were wrong twice, and may have affected the election itself in untold ways. In their zeal to report anything looking like a news story, they became the news. And now, they continue to interrupt for the same stances from the campaigns that have been going on since Wednesday—and they continue to analyze them like anyone gives a damn.

As bad as soaps can be, the constant, pointless interruptions of them are worse. The media is not that important, Peter Jennings is not infallible, and being an insider doesn’t give George Stephanopoulus any more weight than anyone else. They couldn’t predict what happened Tuesday night. They tried to; they failed. Big Three networks, I beg you, stop interrupting with your worthless analysis. You have pre-sechudled afternoon news breaks, evening newscasts, and countless newsmagazines to spout off endlessly. Save your non-news items and brainless chatter for them, and leave the soaps alone.

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MAIL CALL

This week’s little ditty comes from Dim of Fairytaleland and Other Stories. She wrote at length on the GL situation, which I’ve covered above. But, she also wrote concerning an interesting little rumor making the rounds:

“JFP to GH? OLTL's loss is...GH's loss. I don't think the saying is suppose to go like that.”

In case, you haven’t heard, there’s a rumor that Jill Farren Phelps is leaving her Executive Producer position at One Life to Live, to take the same position at General Hospital. Here’s my response:

“I'll catch hell for this, but here goes: I like GH. I love OLTL. If I have to choose between keeping JFP at OLTL, or sending her to GH, I would send her to GH with no hesitation.”

And I mean it.

Flames can be sent to snarkieposter@yahoo.com. I’ll answer your letters as soon as possible, and maybe you’ll even see print! Until next week (when we may have a new president-elect), I remain snarkily yours. Return to Table