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How was your holiday? Well, whatever dysfunctional family members you may have had to put up with, it couldn't be as bad as what your favorite soap families went through this Christmas. The following is a review of each soap's Christmas offerings. The grading is based on two criteria. 1) Did it celebrate the holiday? 2) Was it entertaining?
AMC: Edmund and Dimitri brooded over Alex. Dixie lusted after David. Tad ran scared from Leslie. Ryan and Gillian mooned at each other. But, the big event was Bianca finally admitting to mother Erica that she (Bianca, natch!) was a lesbian. This occurred after Bianca had a run-in with her disgustingly wussy girlfriend, Sarah. (Rain looks like a better catch all the time.) As typical for AMC, the big moment was a big bust. Erica's discomfort with her daughter's sexuality was manifested through stereotyped dialogue that seemed fitter for Hector Santos. The worst part is that the viewers are actually supposed to feel sympathy for Erica. That would be possible if Erica was being written as a 3-dimensional character, instead of a blatant plot device. ENTERTAINMENT VALUE (EV): D HOLIDAY CHEER (HC): C-
ATWT: With ATWT returning to the roots of what good old-fashioned soaps should be, it's no surprise that it also returned to the roots of what good old-fashioned soap Christmases should be, as well. Lots of celebration, old characters dropping in for a visit, and just a hint of tension. While I find it beyond the realm of disbelief suspension that Lily and Rose would team up to throw Lucinda a party, that's really my only quibble. One hopes that Mary Beth Evans, the newly recast Sierra, will be put to better use here than her final days on GH. But, the real masterstroke had to be bringing back Penny, who was a major character in the Sixties! Now, that won't get the demo up, but I bet it warmed the hearts of ATWT's oldest viewers. Of course, my personal favorite moment was seeing Hal nail Bryant the weasel for embezzlement, thus sticking it to Bryant's scummy father Craig as well. Ah, the holidays! EV: A HC: A
B&B: It was certainly an eventful holiday season on B&B! Dastardly Deacon Sharpe reclaimed his son. Rick and Bridget gave their approval to a Brooke and Thorne pairing, while Kimberly confessed to Thorne that they didn't sleep together. Ridge finally admitted to Taylor that he was the father of Morgan's baby, which led to a confrontation between the two ladies on a previously unseen staircase. Morgan went over the railing. With all that action, who needed Christmas? EV: A HC: F
DAYS: Every time I flipped by there, it looked Christmasy.
GH: GH had actually been a pleasant place for the holidays for weeks; We saw multiple characters decorating their homes, and picking out Christmas trees. We even got to see Alan continue the tradition of reading the Christmas story to all the kids at GH. What we did not need to see was the umpteenth mob hit on Sonny and whoever's unfortunate enough to be with him at the moment. This shooting was particularly heinous as it was done to in slow motion to Christmas music. (Me thinks Jill Farren Phelps is already at work!) Considering that the hit took place right outside the police station, it sure took a while for someone to come out of the building. Of course, if I was a cop, and somebody was shooting Sonny, I might be a little slow in my step. All of this shows the absurdity of GH's mob story. Sonny and his gang are the good, hero mob; Sorel (the person who ordered the hit) is the bad mob. If Sonny was the big bad mobster he's supposed to be, Sorel would be dead by now. But that would make Sonny a violent mobster instead of a teddy-bear mobster. EV: C HC: B+
GL: No one can say they had a sadder Christmas story than GL. A Christmas fire destroys a home and takes Jim's life. Susan is without a father, and Beth is without a husband. Well, at least Beth can lean on ex-husband Phillip…for as long as Phillip's wife Harley can put up with it. A believable story, ripe with conflict, this is definitely Claire Labine's best work since she's joined GL. Sadly, the other stories don't match up, and are boring. Even the traditional Bauer toast was weak. EV: B HC: A
OLTL: Er, I didn't watch their holiday show.
PASSIONS: Did they have a holiday show? I did see Julian with a Santa hat hitting on Andrea Evans' character.
PC: Did they have a holiday show? I think I saw a Christmas tree amidst all that fast-paced high drama. I mean, who didn't think that Kevin's crazy patient was gonna blow the hospital to smithereens with his grenade? (As an aside, have you noticed that Kevin and Lucy are back in GH's credits?)
Y&R: Definitely a classic holiday show. Some characters were able to celebrate the holiday with ease, while others had more of a struggle. However, the animosity between Victor and Nikki this year was particularly disgusting, and calls the rooting value for this pair into question. There is no rooting value for Chris and Paul, so it was particularly gratifying to hear Paul nail Chris for being such a perky, selfish little bitch! EV: B HC: A
CLASSIC CHRISTMAS In addition to current happenings, many soap viewers got to go back in time this year. On Christmas Day, CBS replayed old Christmas episodes of all their soaps. That evening, Soapnet aired old holiday episodes of the ABC soaps. Hearing the old OLTL theme song was better than the actual episode for me! Thanks to both CBS and Soapnet. (And a Bah humbug to whoever picked the GL "classic" from three years ago, when the show was almost as bad as it is now.)
Next week, I plan on bringing you my first annual Snark Awards. If you have your own award you wish to bestow on a soap or storyline, e-mail it to snarkieposter@yahoo.com. I look forward to hearing from you.