Greetings! Welcome to the first annual Snark Awards. Here, the most divine and the most dubious will get their due. So, without further ado, let's get snarky!

COUPLE WITH MOST WASTED POTENTIAL: OLTL's Ben Davidson and his gun.

MOST BORING COUPLE: B&B's Rick and Kimberly. Guess that's why they split them up.

MOST UNBELIEVABLE TURN INTO A PSYCHO: B&B's Kimberly. Guess that's why they let her go.

MOST BELIEVABLE TURN INTO A PSYCHO: B&B's Morgan. From slightly demented to python princess-and you know she's just going to get worse.

MOST UNBELIEVABLE TRIANGLE: AMC's Ryan/Gillian/Jake triangle. Far from being compelling, this story killed my interest in a once compelling couple. Who thought Megan McTavish could write a couple better than Agnes Nixon?

I'M SUPPOSED TO ROOT FOR THEM? AWARD: B&B's Brooke/Thorne. Yes, the Forresters have no right to judge and shouldn't have interfered. That said, weren't they right?

BUT IT'LL CREATE STORY-REALLY! AWARD: AMC's Tad and Dixie. Instead of watching T&D deal with a risky pregnancy and raising a child, we see Dixie lusting after the demented Dr. Dave, and Tad chased by a woman who makes Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction look sane. Fair tradeoff?

THEY LET HER GET AWAY: ABC making it impossible for Robin Strasser to re-sign her contract. Hey ABC, get some stones (by stones, I mean male testicles), and fire the people you don't want around.

BIGGEST MOUTH: Robin Strasser. And aren't we glad.

CAN'T YOU MAKE THEM BEHAVE, KING RAUCH AWARD?: Paul Rauch, executive producer of GL. Low ratings, fired actors who won't shut up, writers who get fired and re-hired in the same week, a newspaper article proclaiming your show's death-uneasy lies the Rauch that wears the crown.

THE 180 DEGREES OF SEPERATION AWARD: Ken Corday, executive producer of Days, for stating in a TV Guide online interview that the Nielsens are flawed, and really shouldn't be paid attention to. This is at odds with a 1997 interview where he celebrates DAYS' then high ratings, and said he gives his staff special treats on particularly high weeks. Of course, if my show had lost two and a half ratings points, I'd have a different perspective too.

THE CRYBABY AWARD: Ken Corday (again!) for cutting off contact with Soap Opera Weekly, after SOW listed the Hope/Gina saga as worst story of 1999. I'll revoke this award if Corday can clearly and concisely explain the story from beginning to end.

THE PASS THE BUCK AWARD: To DAYS, for having top heroine Hope become pregnant 7 months after having sexual encounters with two men, neither of whom were her true love. With the audience infuriated, Head Writer Tom Langan suddenly hits upon the idea of letting the audience vote on who's the father. Since both choices sucked, what was the point?

THE WE'RE TRYING TO KILL OUR SHOW AWARD: ABC, for hiring two multiple failures to take over as head writers, and making them work in a format where 90 % of the cast is backburnered or just plain gone at any given point in time. Can't wait for the Ebay show in the Fall.

BEST POTENTIAL, WORST EXECUTION AWARD: GH, for turning the potentially exciting Search for Lucky into the most dull, depressing yawner GH has turned out in a while. How could they blow this?

WORST POTENTIAL, BEST EXECUTION: ATWT, for turning around the island story at the last possible moment, and using it as a springboard to bigger and better things.

THE HAM AWARD: Fiona Hutchinson, whose (mercifully) short-term performance as Celia made her old OLTL character, Gabrielle, seem constrained. Disturbingly over the top.

DUMBEST AXING: B&B, for dumping Marisa Tait (Becky) to create more story for Amber, as played by the highly overrated Adrienne Frantz.

BEST NEW VILLIAN: B&B, for giving us Deacon Sharpe. He's not wealthy. He doesn't have superpowers. He hasn't come back from the dead a zillion times. He's just a smarmy, sarcastic, menacing bastard.

MOST OFFENSIVE STORY: AMC, for revisiting Laura's death by a drunk driver 12 years ago in the most smarmy, disgusting way possible: By having Brooke become romantically involved with Rev. Elliot Freeman, who, thanks to the miracle of plastic surgery, is really Josh Walenski, the man who killed Brooke's daughter. Whatever dumbass came up with this one is obviously addicted to the Lifetime Movie Network. Truly sick.

BIGGEST PLOT DEVICE: AMC's wonder drug, Libidozone. Nothing like finding an artificial way to elongate already lame, tired storylines.

WORST KEPT SECRET: AMC's Bianca is a lesbian. The viewers caught on immediately, long before TPTB were ready. I guess there is such a thing as gaydar.

TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION AWARD: Within a few weeks of each other, ATWT and GL get new head writers. GL receives much-respected and multi-Emmy winning writer Claire Labine; ATWT receives unknown script doctor Hogan Sheffer. Who knew ATWT got the better deal?

THE HEY, AT LEAST IT WASN'T LUCCI AGAIN AWARD: The Daytime Emmy voters for nominating Finola Hughes for her role as Alex. For what? Delivering lines without feeling? Hope that's not a trend.

THE DON'T HASSLE ME WITH YOUR SIGHS, CHUCK AWARD: To Jill Farren Phelps, executive producer of One Life to Live, who, instead of answering a legitimate question posed to her by interviewer Jonathan Reiner, opted to make an audible sigh instead. And had Reiner not started making excuses for her, that probably would've been the end of the interview. I guess Bob Fosse didn't teach JFP about interpersonal skills.

And so ends the First Annual Snark Awards. On behalf of the academy, thank you for coming, and drive safely.

MAIL CALL In anticipation of the first Snark Awards, Stephen Wiss chimed in with some categories of his own:

BEST FLASHBACK AWARD Winner: Port Charles' Thanksgiving Day Episode, which focused entirely on ther character of Kevin Collins and treated viewers to flashbacks that traced Kevin's history on both Port Charles and General Hospital.

Runners-Up: Y&R: Nina's flashback to Rose DeVille taking her baby; ATWT: Holden's flashback of jumping from the hay loft and meeting Lily; ATWT: Christmas with the Hughes Family circa 1965.

WORST FLASHBACK AWARD Almost any episode of Days of Our Lives or Passions, where flashbacks and voiceovers are used to distract the viewers from the fact the stories are at a standstill and the writers are lazy. Recycled material at its worst. "DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT" AWARD Winner: Leah Laiman, ex-headwriter, ATWT. "Lethal" Leah, The Lame-One was a one woman wrecking crew who almost destroyed this venerable soap in under a year.

Runners-Up: Jill Farren Phelps, OLTL; the Labines, GL; Barbara Esensten & James Harmon Brown, GL. The reason these three choices aren't winners is that all are still employed in the soap industry. Only Laiman is still (thankfully) gone.

BEST FIND Hogan Sheffer, headwriter, ATWT. This soap newcomer has a better grasp of what a real soap opera is than almost every other writer working in soaps today. In the era of the recycled hack, Sheffer is a breath of fresh air.

THE "I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON, HONEST" AWARD Claire Labine, headwriter of Guiding Light. In an interview with SOW Claire took full responsibility for her tenure at OLTL and said she learned her lesson. Well her first months at GL proved she still hadn't learned the importance of little things ... like story, pacing, research, or characterization. So Claire and her kids are fired and then re-hired with the promise that they learned their lesson this time. Honest!

VANITY IS A SIN AWARD Robert S. Woods, OLTL. What did he do to his face?

MOST REVEALING INTERVIEW ABOUT JFP/OLTL Winner: Robin Strasser's 1/2/01 interview in SOD where she dishes about her negotiations with ABC, the working environment on OLTL, and JFP's "hit list".

Runners-Up: Felicia Minei Behr's interview in TV Guide where she calls OLTL "unwatchable"; Beverlee McKinsey's interview in SOW where she tells how she used an out in her contract (which then GL Executive Producer JFP hadn't read) to quit the show when JFP refused to negotiate some very reasonable demands.

THE EMILY LITELLA "NEVER MIND" AWARD It's a tie. Behind the Scenes: Mary Alice Dwyer-Dobbin for firing the Labines and then rehiring them a couple weeks later. On the Screen: Jill Farren Phelps for devastating the histories of characters on OLTL, AMC, and GH with her "Buchanan Heir" and "Rae's Daughter" storylines.

BEST USE OF CLASSIC EPISODES ATWT for the Christmas Day and New Year's Day shows which let the viewers enjoy some of the late Douglas Marland's best work from the mid-1980's.

WORST USE OF THE TERM "CLASSIC" AWARD GL for its rerun of 1997 episodes. Apparently Paul Rauch feels only episodes he produced deserve the title "classic".

PLOT BEFORE CHARACTER AWARD Port Charles -- where hacks Esensten & Brown have, in one short month, ruined the characters of Kevin, Lucy, and Chris. Is it an wonder why Kin Shriner wants to leave PC and go back to GH? Bonus points to E&B for not realizing why telenovelas are popular when plotting the bizarre hybrid that is Port Charles.

DUMBEST POLICE FORCE Winner: The PCPD (GH & PC). Shootings in front of police stations, the inability to arrest and prosecute guilty parties, "murders" where the victims are still alive, and mobsters and murderers who walk the street with impunity give this award to Mac Scorpio and the PCPD.

Runner's-Up: Oakdale PD (ATWT): for the inability to arrest Craig for the stolen microchips, letting Julia get away with firing Jack's gun at David's funeral, and Hal's inefficient road blocks give the OPD runner-up status. Llanview PD: for having Bo more interested in bagging Melanie than reading papers on his desk and learning about Nora, for missing victims hurt in a train wreck, and for the LPD's inability to make a case against Will, RJ, Todd, Asa, Colin, or Lindsey almost got the LPD the win, but the PCPD is incompetent on two soaps, so the LPD gets runner-up status.

And that is what I call definitive year-end coverage. More entertaining than a box full of SOW Best and Worst issues, and absolutely free.

In other news, new reader Patrick Fornoff asks an interesting question:

"I don't know about the rest of the soap audiences out there, but I for one would be interested in a long overdue rebroadcast of "Mary Hartman Mary Hartman" which ran in syndication nightly from 1976-1978. I was too young when it was originally on and feel I was deprived of a really cool experience. Snark, if you have any info, updates or anything at all related to "Mary Hartman Mary Hartman" could you please forward it to me? I did write to TV Land about playing it as well. Thanks a bunch."

I told Patrick to contact the Lifetime network, which aired MH, MH about six years ago. Beyond that, I don't have a clue. Anybody else?

Last week's Christmas column got some thoughtful answers. Mary 5252 writes:
"Not that I'm among the oldest viewers of ATWT, it was nice to see Penny at the table, especially with Nancy, and the 40 year old black and white clip. Can you believe how poor the tape quality was? And the New Year's rerun of when Holden and Lily first met in the stable was fun yesterday. I gotta get a life. Happy New Millennium. Mary"

Personally, I think the next classic episode should be the one from forty years ago-kinescope quality and all.

Finally, "Sister Jenny" fills me in on a Passions Christmas:
"Yes, Snark, Passions did have a Christmas, but it was mostly overshadowed by the second coming and resurrection of Sheridan Crane (who'd spent most of November sweeps buried alive). The much-lusted-after Ethan Crane finally made up his mind concerning who he'd marry and made the announcement and proposal right before midnight Mass (on Christmas Eve). Appropriately, he chose the virginal Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald to be his future wife. Poor soulless Kay couldn't seem to warm up to Christmas this year. She did strike a new bargain with Hecuba. If Kay delivers her goody-two-shoes cousin, Charity, to Hecuba, then Kay can win her soul back. In order to procure samples of Charity's hair and nails, Kay offered her a manicure as a Christmas gift. Tabby and Timmy exchanged "year-end" gifts with each other. However, Christmas Day in Harmony dissolved into New Year's Eve -- so it was a very weird week and it came off like one day. (Face it - it's hard to really celebrate Christmas when the most interesting characters on the show are the devil's own.)"

Not too surprising holiday fare coming from James E. Reilly. This is the man who had Marlena possessed by the Devil right before Christmas on DAYS.

And that does it for this edition. Come back next time for another wacky and provocative missive. If you can't wait until then, give me an e-mail at snarkieposter@yahoo.com" snarkieposter@yahoo.com. I'll holler back at you ASAP.

Return to Table