Thanks to everyone who has written in over the past few weeks wishing me well, and wondering where I've been. After being unable to shake that stomach virus I mentioned back in December, I finally broke down and went to a doctor early last month. After a battery of tests, it was discovered that I did not have a virus after all. Instead, I have an ulcer. Yes, kids, Snarkie has an ulcer. Guess soap watching really is a stressful profession, after all. I'm recovering, though not as smoothly as the doctors have hoped. In fact, chances are when you read this, I'll be at another doctor's appointment.

Again, thanks for your concern, and I'll tell you of any significant changes.

PASH BASH I know a lot of my readers out there like Passions, find it refreshing, etc, etc. Well, not me.

I wish I had a dollar for every time Passions' Rebecca said a variation of the following line: "This is it, Gwen! Now everyone is finally going to learn that Ethan is not a Crane!" I'd have more money than the Crane family. Passions is so slow. How slow is it? It's so slow, it makes Y&R look a race car going down the Indy 500 by comparison. Does James E. Reilly have money riding on how long he can repeat the same dialogue before he has to advance the story forward? Here's a breakdown of recent Passions spoilers:

MONDAY: Norma attacks Tabitha. Kay tries to lure Charity into the room. Miguel has a bad feeling about Charity. Ivy almost reveals that she's Sam's ex-lover. The tabloid reporter attempts to crash the party.

TUESDAY: Tabitha lies in the shower, bleeding. Timmy looks for Tabitha. Kay tries extra hard to get Charity in that room. Miguel decides to call Charity. Ivy gets right to the edge of revealing she's Sam's ex-lover, but Pilar stops her. The tabloid reporter formulates his plan to crash the party.

WEDNESDAY: Tabitha lies in the shower, bleeding. Timmy looks for Tabitha. Kay almost gets Charity into the room, when the phone rings. The tabloid reporter enters the party.

THURSDAY: Tabitha lies in the shower, bleeding. Realizing that Tabitha isn't in the first room he tried, Timmy decides to look for her in a different room. Charity picks up the phone, and says "Hello?" The tabloid reporter is escorted out by bodyguards.

FRIDAY: Tabitha lies in the shower, bleeding. Her eyes blink! Timmy tries to decide on what room to search in next. Charity is still on the phone. It's Miguel on the other end. He was worried! The tabloid reporter breaks free from the bodyguards and vows to crash the party again.

Okay, those spoilers were phony. I put way too much action in them.

Did anyone read the recent interview with Reilly, where the interviewer accused DAYS of ripping off Timmy by using that stupid Will doll? Making fun of Timmy was more like it. (Imagine DAYS being able to make fun of another show.) Meanwhile, the ever-imaginative Reilly rips off The Birds, Psycho, The Poseidon Adventure, and whatever else. But, hey those are just gimmicks, designed to get the kids into the genre, right? The real back-breaker was using Dark Shadows background music during those stabbing scenes last week. It's so obvious that Passions is desperate to achieve that level of cult status that DS attained years ago. But, borrowing the DS music only makes me think of the real DS-where the majority of the cast CAN act, the writing IS decent, the plot DOES progress forward at a reasonable pace, etc, etc. Passions just doesn't measure up.

AND IF I HAD TWO WISHES…

I'd ask for a dollar every time DAYS or Passions runs a flashback. Then, I'd buy NBC and cancel both shows.

HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT JENSEN BUCHANAN? Oh, sit down; this one's a stitch. It seems that JB took a job over on GH, at the request of Jill "I gets what I wants" Phelps. Apparently, JB has already started airing on GH, while her character of Vicky is still airing on ATWT. Proctor and Gamble, the company which produces ATWT, doesn't like this. They say it compromises the outcome of the storyline. (Yeah, I'm on pins and needles wondering if Vicky's dead or not.) P&G claims that JB is under contract to them until Feb 17, and that by taking a job with GH, she broke said contract. So now, they're going to sue! And apparently, it's getting so hot that ABC is considering dumping JB from GH. Watch JB go from two jobs, two jobs, two jobs to none! Did neither JB nor JFP understand the contract? Or, did they just not give a rip?

ABOUT COLIN So, everyone thinks OLTL's Colin is heading for the morgue. And I agree. And I couldn't be happier. OLTL could use something, anything, besides the endless lame insta-romances that they keep doing over and over again. Colin is the perfect guy to get bumped off, too. He's been a class-A jerk from day one. What kind of guy keeps a woman hostage in his house for months and lets everyone think she's dead? And he's just gotten worse since then. Kill him, I say.

That's all for now. If you want, e-mail me at snarkieposter@yahoo.com. I'll get back to you eventually.

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