.
We'll begin our regular, exciting, thrill-packed column in just a moment. But, first, there is a matter that I feel must be brought to your attention. Simply put, unless something changes within the next forty-eight hours or so, Magnificently Malonian as you know it will cease to exist.You may have been unaware of this, but as card-carrying members of the Writers Guild of America (W.G.A.), Spicy George and I are seriously considering going on strike after our contracts expire on Tuesday. We have tried to be reasonable in our on-going negotiations with our webmistress, but we keep coming back to one sticking point: We like checks that cash, and she likes checks that bounce. We do not feel that receiving checks that are actually worth something is an unreasonable demand, but, alas, here we are.
I hate to air our private negotiations in such a public matter, but, I feel you, the readers, are entitled to know the full scope of what will happen if we strike. MM will certainly continue, but not at the same quality you've come to expect. No doubt that the dirty scab Michael Malone will continue to answer his letters. (Also, watch out for scabs like Llanview Online's Greg and Fairytaleland's Dim). For a while, you can expect enhanced reruns such as that Top Ten column from a while back, where Jilly "interacted" with Spicy George. When you grow tired of that, Jilly will put on her writing hat, and we'll see "Jilly Weighs In" and "Top Ten with Spicy Jilly." Finally, in a desperate attempt to save costs and hide her shocking lack of creativity, you'll be treated to "Jilly's Online Diary", a short, daily feature that will document the events of Jilly's life. (Did I mention that it will be short? Well, let me say it again: it will be short.) She'll call it an attempt to cash in on the reality-tv craze; you'll be too busy breaking toilet flushers to hear her. At that point, Spicy and I expect to have her just where we want her.
But, it doesn't have to come to that. Simply form yourselves into one angry, fire-breathing mob, and descend on Jilly like bats out of Hell, (via e-mail, of course), and I'm sure that will be enough incentive for her to do what's right. (And while you're at it, tell her to update my archives!) On behalf of Spicy and myself, thank you.
STRIKE! STRIKE!
The above, of course, was just a joke. (Everyone knows Jilly doesn't pay us.) However, the impending Hollywood strike of writers and actors is VERY real. The W.G.A.'s contract expires Tuesday. However, it is unlikely that a strike will begin immediately, as a W. G. A. spokesperson recently announced that they would likely extend negotiations until June 30'th. June 30'th is the day the Screen Actors Guild's contract expires.
Many soap viewers have questioned the audacity of soap writers to even think about going on strike, given that the quality of their work is so poor. But, there are a couple of things to consider: 1) The W.G.A. is like any other union; just because the leadership decides the union should strike, does not mean the entire membership is in agreement. 2) The sticking point between the union and the studios is residuals. Once upon a time, residuals were irrelevant to the soap writer. Their stuff was never going to air again, anyway, right? But with the advent, of cable, satellite, and the Internet, has come a need to fill countless hours of programming. And with the success of Soapnet, does anyone doubt that there'll be more re-airings of soaps old and new in the future? Sony has expressed interest for years in developing their own soap network-perhaps Soapnet's numbers'll motivate them. Residuals are now as important to the soap writer, as they are to any other genre writer. Hannah Shearer, writer for Port Charles, recognized this when she ran for the W. G. A. Board last year. When it comes to residuals, quality is not an issue. The studios have hired these writers, made money off of these writers, and now stand to make more money from them-it's time for the studios to share the wealth. The studio bigwigs aren't concerned about quality; they're consumed with greed. If studios are going to profit from a writer's work many times over, then the writer deserves to be paid many times over. They deserve a decent residual. (And I do not consider $15 for a Soapnet reairing decent.) For that reason alone, I support the strike.
I'm sure you've heard the news stories. A prolonged Hollywood strike would reportedly do more damage to California's economy than a L.A. riot and a 9.5 earthquake combined. Millions would be out of work. Billions would be lost in revenue. But, enough of the small stuff: How will a prolonged strike really affect our soaps?
If your feelings on the strike mirror one message board poster who said, "Strike-schmike! This fan just wants her soaps!," you're in luck. Soaps will continue. The executive producer will become the de-facto Head Writer, and scabs will be hired to do the rest of the work. (And the qualities of past scabs have ranged from Harding LeMay to Leah Laiman.) Soap actors are covered under the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists (AFTRA), whose contract does not expire until November 15. So, soaps will continue uninterrupted for several months. (However, should the strike extend past Nov 15, AFTRA has indicated that they would join WGA and SAG in striking.)
But, what about the quality of writing? Won't there be 180 degree character changes? Outrageous turns in plotting? Storylines abruptly dropped? New stories out of nowhere? Probably. And thirteen years ago, the last time soaps weathered a major writers' strike, those were big concerns. But, since that time, everything I've mentioned occurs regularly, under union-approved writers! Story curveballs are commonplace. And producers writing? Don't you think that's what's happening at a Rauch or JFP-produced soap anyway? And if producers are allowed to write across the board, then that likely means the return of Bill Bell to Y&R and that Brad Bell will continue writing B&B! (It also means that Langan continues writing DAYS, darn it!) And, since the strike won't last forever, it is my opinion that the good soaps will continue to be decent, while the bad soaps-well, they would have gotten worse, anyway!
Much like discussing the impact of Claire Labine leaving GL, this may all be premature speculation. Oh, well. If it is, lump me in with Variety, Entertainment Weekly, USA Today and the rest. But, I doubt it. I think that a strike, even a relatively short one will be necessary for the writers to get what's due them. And, it is their due. Go get em, writers.
THEY'RE BACK!
OLTL's Viki's alters, that is. Whenever OLTL's ratings start to seriously slip, TPTB invariably pull out the old multiple personality chestnut. Be it Viki splitting, Viki pretending to split, Megan splitting, even Todd's whatever-it-was, OLTL has a proud tradition of milking their characters' fragile psyches for fun and profit. But, what will happen this time? Will the story be good? If it is, will it be ruined by the strike? (Doubtful, since executive producer Gary Tomlin is also a former soap writer.) Can Erika Slezak still deliver? (If Friday's episode is an indicator, yes!) Will all the personalities come out? (Probably all except Princess-she didn't test well.) Will we see Niki go on a road trip with the soon-to-return Alex? (Please, Gary, please!) Will they bring back the 1995 background music to let us know every time Viki is splitting? (Considering that ABC thinks it's audience is bigger morons than ever, probably.) And finally, will Viki get the help that she needs? (Nah! What would they do in five years when the ratings drop again?)
Still, it's been a long time since I've cared enough to ask these many questions about an OLTL storyline. God knows I don't care who killed Colin.
DESPERATE DAYS
Don't you hate it when a soap throws in a lame, out-of-nowhere cliffhanger at the end of an episode? Well, the already lame DAYS has done it twice in recent weeks. I talked last week about DAYS' chem. Lab explosion that wasn't. This week, DAYS went even further to keep your attention. John and Brady were in their penthouse apartment, talking about life, and tossing a football back and forth. (And here's the real shocker: They were both actually happy and smiling!) Suddenly, Brady tosses the football at his old man, only the football goes whizzing past John over towards the balcony. John instinctively rushes after it, and appears to start falling over the balcony himself. "Dad, no!," Brady shouts.
Come on! Was I really supposed to believe that a man whose survived multiple identities, a gas chamber, and near-decapitation by midgets was going to die chasing a football over a balcony? (And it wasn't even a Friday episode!) DAYS has really got to stop this arrogant, audience-insulting tripe. We're not even laughing at THEM anymore; they're laughing at us!
So ends another W.G.A. approved column. Readers are always allowed to cross the picket lines, so write me at snarkieposter@yahoo.com, and I'll regale you with stories of our wild and wacky webmistress. Did you know she was in Playboy's latest college issue?